Bitter Sweet

Wow, where do I even begin? This past month, these past 3 months, 100 days, all of it has been a whirlwind of so many emotions. I’ve learned new things, met new people, experienced new experiences, traveled to new parts of the world, tried new foods, pushed myself, saw God through new eyes, all of it and let me tell you it has been an adventure of a lifetime. Going into the race I didn’t really know what to expect, of course I had assumptions and hopes of how it would be, but never did I expect to see the things I saw and be apart of so many great ministries. From flipping a house in Florida, feeding fish at a fish farm, teaching college seminars, making snacks for kids at the village church, painting faces in a park, to giving an old park a complete makeover in Thailand, our ministries are something I will never forget. Don’t even get me started on my team, my squad, our leaders, ugh they are the best. I have so much appreciation for my team, for our friendships, our laughs, our inside jokes, our 36 mile bike rides, our intense love for coffee, our deep discussions, our abundant food panda orders, the memories of a lifetime, they really are the best. The friends I made outside of my team, whether they started on day one or two weeks ago, are some friendships I will never forget. I have been so blessed to me surrounded by such amazing and encouraging people. There is something so special about these people that I can’t wait to experience again, later on in life. I know by now you’re probably wondering why this sounds more formal than my normal blogs, that is because this blog is one of my lasts. While I was on the field I began really struggling with mental health in forms of anxiety, depression, and dissociation. I tried my best to push through and to continue in the work God was doing through me, but it really took a lot out of me. There are parts, days, weeks, I can barely remember anything from the past few months. I didn’t expect to struggle with this, no one did, I have never struggled with something like this before. I ended up having a mental safety assessment done and that left me with a lot of unanswered questions. After that I continued to push through in hopes it would just go away, while the leadership team came up with a game plan to move forward. I was overwhelmed with the support and prayer I got from everyone, both back home and on the field. The first week we were in Thailand we were fixing up a park and on the last day I was really really out of it. I ended up taking a break and sitting down after lunch for a little bit, until I decided to go walk the trail around the park. After one loop I decided to just prayer walk around the park while everyone else finished up the paint job. I began praying for the children that would play at the park and the community that surrounded it. Then I began praying for my teammates painting it, and the people on our squad, all the lives they would touch, all the beauty they would see, all the glory they would give to God, everything they will do, until I realized I was praying as if I wasn’t there. At this point in time I was praying and thinking and getting opinions on what to do, specifically if I should go home or not. When I realized the words I was using and the way I was praying I realized how at peace I was. How it didn’t feel busy or painful or confusing, it was suddenly clear. I didn’t really know what this meant, nor did I even know what to do with these feelings, so I just sat on it until I knew for sure. That night I had a call with a therapist friend of mine and she also recommended I come home and get help. This was the reassurance I really needed to make the final step to going home. I called my mentor and told her everything that happened and made the plan to come home and focus on getting myself to a healthy state. Long story short, I flew home and landed in Texas on monday (11). It’s weird to think a week ago I was still in Thailand, but I am starting to get the help I need to get better and be the happy and joyful Faith I missed. I know this probably isn’t the kind of blog update you were expecting, but I do want to say thank you, for all of your prayer and support and encouragement through all of this. I continue to ask for prayer and guidance as I now figure out what it looks like to unexpectedly be home and what the best way to get help is.

Much love <3